22, a Know-It-All and Stubborn AF

The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening. -Helen Mirren 
About a year ago, I was in New York City for an internship at a Publishing company. Overall, the actual internship was relatively boring, so much of it was just sitting around waiting for someone to tell me to do something. On my lunch breaks, I would sit outside in Union Square Park every day and eat my sad fruit in a small container. I seethed with envy at all the fashionable twenty-something women with their freshly purchased salads that reeked of a ridiculously lavish disposable income (although I was simply just assuming since, hello, who the hell can afford to buy a salad every single day? in New York City???). Considering my internship paid me a big fat bowl of nada, I was forced to choose between chips or dry shampoo. Band-aids to cover the blisters from walking EVERYWHERE? I’m splurging.
As my internship was winding down in August, I was on the phone with my mother tearfully telling her how much I just wished I could stay there instead of going back to school. I assumed I was oh so ready to be done with it and couldn’t wait to be just like these girls whom I assumed had it all (and also because I had found out my scholarship would no longer be funded and had not a single clue how I was going to pay for my senior year).
Flashforward to me coming back for my last year at LSU. I can’t tell you how good it felt to be back where I could spend money and not live in a two-inch box with no one, really, to talk to. My senior year was, without a doubt, my best year at LSU. I finally felt like I had a good group of friends, I knew my shit when it came to school, and it felt like I was comfortable where I was going in my life. I told anyone who would ask where I wanted to go (New York) and what I wanted to do (Publishing). I couldn’t wait to graduate and be done with college and school work. On to the real world where there’s no homework and you get paid full-time!
Ever hear that stupid, annoying, saying that goes something like, “life happens when you’re making other plans?” My dad said that to me once after I told him my plans and I laughed in his face like I was the one who knew better. Well ha-ha to myself because life happened and things (not surprisingly) didn’t go like I thought they would. The job I thought I would have until I decided to move suddenly wasn’t scheduling me enough and I was worried about how much money I would have saved by the time I actually wanted to move. On my downtime, which was more often than I wanted, I applied to every Publishing company I could think of and for every job I thought I would even almost qualify for, to no avail. I revamped my resume three times, wrote a new cover letter (with help from my mom) and then wrote ANOTHER one, catering to each different company while also appealing to a more creative side of myself, to no avail.
As my timeline started getting pushed further and further, I took a hard, long, stressful, look at myself and what I really wanted out of life. Would it really be so awful if I didn’t go to New York? Why was I so adamant about being there? There’s a part of me that thinks staying in the South is a form of cruel and unusual torture and that only boring people stay here. I wanted more out of life than just staying in one place forever, never really moving anywhere else. I love New York and hope to maybe live there one day, but a part of me only wanted to move there to prove something to the people in my past who thought I wasn’t good enough. The other half of me put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to be successful immediately so it wouldn’t look like I got an English degree for nothing.
Something that I hate, hate, hate¡¡¡ about myself is my knee-jerk reaction to turn my nose up at certain things thinking I know myself completely at 22 and could never write or live in this certain place etc. I tend to lose sight of things that would make me happy because I assume immediately that I would hate them. Truth? I’m changing a lot and I’m only 22 and there’s a lot of stuff I’m trying to figure out at this weird stage in my life. This blog was inspired by my realization that I don’t actually have it all figured out, and the things I want change OFTEN. I’ve found that writing is something I actually really enjoy and it took me until now to figure that out. Who knows what the hell else I don’t know about myself! I’ve still got like 80 years left to figure it out (that sounds like a long time to live but I eat salad, like, a lot and I run like 4 times a month AT LEAST)! It’s nice to have plans for life as I still try to do, but in the meantime I’m trying to be cool with just a “pla” for my life. Maybe see where that takes me and focus more on, ya know, doing that thing I hear people talking about called being happy!

6 thoughts on “22, a Know-It-All and Stubborn AF

  1. It may not seem like it, because the unknown is what brings on fear and anxiety, but, this is a very relaxing time for you. You have no responsibilities, no children, no husband, not even a pet! You do not owe anyone anything. Everything you own is paid for. You have no debt! You are in a position of extreme power. You can go anywhere at anytime and do anything that you desire. You have no roots and no commitments to anyone. Don’t rush it. It’s OK to keep your eyes open and look, but let life come to you. It will happen. Patience. In the meantime, enjoy to the fullest.

    Liked by 1 person

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